first things first. I want to apologize for my random and pathetic entry last time. I was going through a rough time with Macy and I felt the need to vent. still a little sore about the subject but she and I decided it would be best not to talk about it and move on. which is okay, but very hard on my part. seriously I don't like letting things go, I like to make things either better or worst. for me. I guess I'm pretty selfish that way. LOL

so anyways, in lighter news?? LOL

today is VD day, which always puts me in a better mood. I'm seriously considering just moving to the sqaure because well..then I wouldn't have to have my Dad say the famous "You can just forget about going to the set today" when I have lazily forgotten to do the dishes. really pisses me off that I'm 21, yet I have to clean their freaking dishes. I mean I get that I live in their house but Damn.
[haha You know your obsessed with VD when you write "Damon" instead of "Damn" automatically LMAO!!!] So yeah that's basically what's happening today. I'm feeling like being Lazy and I feel REALLY REALLY horrible about that. but I guess the selfish part of me is l not really caring that much. I mean My dad says "Do the Kitchen" and what do I do? I get on the computer instead with the moral thought of "I'll do it later" lmfao. it doesn't work well as you can imagine. I've seriously gotta get on Livejournal more, I mean seriously I've had it for so long and yet..barely posts. LOL

see how random my thougts are? its scary.

The cold hard truth

By: DefineDelicate

When finding out you’re a werewolf, two things usually go through your mind, more like questions really. What’s happened to me? And, am I freak? Usually the answer to the second question is yes. You’re a freak in your own opinion. Especially when you’re a female werewolf, then you’ll think that it’s the end of the world and no guy will ever touch you. Or at least that’s how I felt. I felt all of those emotions plus guilt over what happened to my father.

Harry Clearwater was never meant to pass on that way. I truly believe that, and I will continue to do so until I die. No matter what anyone says to try to change my mind I know that it was because of me that he died and I’ve learned to live with that guilt.

There are some perks to being a werewolf, my favorite being the speed. To feel the wind in your face and not having any limits to what you can do is the most amazing feeling of freedom in the world, and of course it helps that I can always shove the fact that I’m faster than my alpha in people’s faces. Not that I do it all the time.

Now days, I run a lot mostly by myself but sometimes Jacob and Seth run with me. I don’t know which is better - racing and winning, or running alone. I have to admit, I enjoy Jacob’s company when we’re running. His mind is less annoying then I thought it would be which is a nice surprise.

His mind was crowded, young, naïve, stubborn and sarcastic. He was a lot like me in some ways. But that’s just made things difficult. Especially lately, after he imprinted on his ‘soul mate’.

I hate imprinting, although a part of me envies those who can imprint. They can find someone without really meaning too, one person who they know they will love forever. Okay so that’s a lie, imprinting has its ups and downs -mostly downs- I’m glad that I get a choice in who I want to be with. I’m glad I have opinions, of course the only opinion that has been presented to me is Jacob Black and that right there makes me sick. He was once a person who knew what he wanted. He was driven and independent but now he’s just one of them.

The boys who imprint usually just have one thing on their minds… the person that they imprinted on. And in the case of Jacob Black his imprinted is an immortal leech.

I will never understand how that’s possible, but for some reason Jacob Black looked straight into her brownish eyes and it was done. He was lost to his wolf instincts, which is sad because we weren’t raised as wolves, we were raised as people, people with choices and now Jacob has lost his will to choose. And everything lately has been a wreck. The royal vampires came, and threatened the little half-breed’s life. I still crack up at the look on Jacob’s face when Bella wanted to hold her own daughter, I mean seriously? What did he think she’d want? To give the child away? She’s her mother for crying out loud. Still everyone was pretty tense during the Vampires’ stay here. I have to admit I was scared too. Scared for Jacob.

Which I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t think of Jacob in that way. Just because we’ve come to an understanding doesn’t mean I should feel anything about him. Just because the fact that he’s the only male around -besides my brother- doesn’t give me the right to feel that way. He’s a child. A child who’s mind is now in the gutter.

It’s sickening.

Though there has been times when we had small intimate moments, that were so intimate it felt like we were one and the same, Jacob and I. Moments when we weren’t worried about everyone else, just us. Our minds were linked mentally and emotionally. He understood what it felt like to lose someone, and so do I and because of those moments he became one of my favorite people.

Which just makes imprinting worst then it was before.

I’ve seen it happen so many times. Boys grow up, see something mystical, and then all of sudden their under the curse.

I pray to god Seth doesn’t become a victim.

“Hey Leah, Jacob wants to talk to you, he said that the last of the Volturi is gone and that Nessie is now safe and sound. Isn’t that great?” My little brother said, sitting beside me on the porch, the sun was setting and the Washington breeze was beginning to pick up. I watched everything from afar, so I didn’t know why Seth would tell me they were gone. Of course I already knew that, I heard everything too; how they thought Nessie would be a threat as she aged. The worst part for me was seeing Jacob’s reaction. I don’t know why, but seeing him react that way to a child of vampire DNA, just rubs me the wrong way. Of course I wouldn’t tell Seth that.

“Swell Seth, that’s just… swell”

Hearing his footsteps behind us, Seth patted me on the back, and left me and Jacob alone.

Oh joy!

“So, why didn’t you stand with the rest of the pack? I thought you said you were loyal”

I continued to face straight ahead, avoiding eye contract.

“I am loyal Jacob. You should never question my loyalty.” I answered, keeping my voice low and calm.

“Then why not stand with me? I needed you. You’re my beta”

“You didn’t need me, you had Nessie or whatever her name is right there, or was her mother in the way?”

I felt Jacob glaring at me with angry eyes. Unsure how to answer that outburst. I wasn’t sorry about it. It was the truth and although Bella seemed completely happy with the fact that her daughter is basically marked for life and probably will have Jacob following her wherever she goes. I however see the realization of all.

The kid needs a normal life. Okay, so she’s a vampire-human hybrid, with smelly parents. Still! She’s a baby. A smart one, but a baby none the less, and I swear to everything good in the world, this is not because of Jacob.

It’s not. Really.

The truth is, neither Sam nor Billy will tell Jacob the cold, hard truth, so I might as well do it.

I’m the Beta after all.

“Jacob, look, you’re not asking for my opinion but--”

“It’s never stopped you before” he said, crossing his arms, “Why am I not surprised you don’t like Nessie?”

I turn to face him and shoved him off the porch, making him fall backwards.

“You think it has everything to do with Nessie don’t you Jacob?! Well I hate to break it to you but not everyone is drawn to her charms. In fact, I’m going to give you advice, Beta to Alpha, you’re an idiot!” I yelled, my heart pounding, storming off with my arms cross.

I expected him to follow me. In fact I knew he would. It’s was Jacob does -bug you until you want to roll around in agony- because of this fact, I wasn’t going to phase. I was trying my best not too. I didn’t want him seeing me, even though it wouldn’t mean anything, it was for my personal benefit. I didn’t like how it made me feel, knowing he saw my backside, knowing that he thought about it. Especially since, the only person’s body he should be looking at is Nessie, and that’s only when she gets a certain age.

EW! GROSS!!!

I seriously need to talk to the person who ever created Imprinting because seriously? Were they high? I get it’s like the soul mate principle but, come on. Why can’t it have an age limit or something?! Those poor kids!

“Leah, just wait a freaking minute okay? Good god, you said you would imprint if you could not too long ago, so why the change now?” Jacob said, walking behind me.

“Because I’m a girl Jacob, I do that from time to time, like this morning, I went from wanting cereal to wanting eggs, and it’s that simple”

He huffed at my response while still pacing behind me, making me want to slap him.

Apparently he didn’t want the truth. Did that stop me from giving it? Hell no. it made me more willing to tell him. I finally stopped walking and turned to him. We were only a few feet from the house, and I knew the bloodsuckers could still hear. Which was fine by me. I think it would be best if everyone heard what I had to say. Seth, Bella, hell even the prissy blonde would learn a thing or two from what I’m about to say, and although Edward or whatever the pretty leech’s name is didn’t say anything, I think he would approve of where I was willing to take this conversation.

“Jacob, in the future what will your life be like? Just wondering.”

Jacob stopped and looked at me in the eye, making the pressure inside me build and making it hard to breathe.

“Well, I guess I’ll still be an Alpha and with Nessie and---” his eyes narrowed. “Why would it matter Leah?”

I smirked.

“With Neisse huh?” I said, thrilled at the answer I got. This was going as planned and though I believe Jacob will find my reasoning’s very hard to hear at first, in the end I think he’ll come to realize I mean no harm.

“Jacob, Nessie is half a Leech, and since that species doesn’t age, she’ll look 17 or whatever, forever. Where does that leave you exactly?”

“Leah”

“That’s right. Aging. Sure it won’t be quick, but sooner or later, you’re going to die. But before then, you’ll get wrinkly and--”

“Leah, stop it”

“Get gray hair and you’ll get so old you‘ll----”

“I SAID STOP IT. SHUT UP!”

Suddenly without realizing it, Jacob was in my face. His mouth itches from mine as his rough hands covered my mouth, but that wasn‘t what kept my mouth closed, it was the warmth of his body pressing against mine. His breath hitting my face, as his eyes stared straight into me, seeing my soul. It was like we were the wolves. Hearing each other’s thoughts. I could hear his heart beat so fast that I didn’t even know it was possible to go that fast. Our blood was rushing though our own veins so fast that it was making both of us numb.

The numbness left us mute.

I always thought that imprinting males had tunnel vision. That their eyes were blank, unless their imprinted was around. But being with Jacob and looking into his eyes, I saw lightness. Crystal brown hues coming alive before me. I know that sounds lame, but it was like he woke up from a years worth of sleep.

It scared the crap out of me.

“Jake--”

“You don’t know how confusing it is to hate you, but yet the only thing I want to do is to kiss you,” he whispered. My heart doing a complete circle in my chest. This wasn’t right. He was taken, marked forever as a half-breeds boyfriend - a pacifier so to speak. And although I wanted to point out the stupidity of his imprinting, I didn’t think it would change anything, I hoped it would but it wasn’t a sure thing.

Of course, hearing him say he wanted to kiss me. That was a sure thing. I was sure he wanted to with every muscle in his body, and a part of me wanted to welcome a kiss from him, and I didn’t know where that came from. I didn’t know how this relationship got this confusing all I knew was that in this moment - his hand was removed from my lips and he was leaning in - I didn’t stop him.

“Leah, what’s happening?” he whispered, his eyes closed. I was melting from the heat of our bodies. So lost and fragile.

“I don’t know Jacob, but don’t kiss me unless you’re sure.”

His eyes shot up at me. His lips leaning in. I knew what waited in that mouth. More salvation then thought possible. Comfort, stubbornness and will, all mixed into a kiss.

Jacob Black’s kiss.

Very slowly, without losing his gaze, I reached my hand up lightly and traced his jaw with my fingers. How smooth and warm it felt in my hands. He kissed my palm, which in turn set an electric shock though my arm.

“I’m only sure if you want me too.”

I looked down. With all the emotions going crazy in my body, I completely forgot that he was supposed to be angry with me. He was supposed to be so pissed that I would say such things about his Nessie, but then I realized why he hadn’t phased. It was because it came from me, and he knew it.

I was telling the truth. He agreed, it’s completely and totally bizarre to imprint on a Cullen, because while she’s a teenager forever, he’s going to age. That one day, if they were together, they’d have mix breaded children. Children who played baseball and fetch. Jacob didn’t have to say anything. I already knew.

“You imprinted on Nessie, she’ll be lucky one day--”

“Nessie already is, Bella‘s a great mother, and at times Edward’s even bearable.”

I made a face, making Jacob laugh.

“They still stink though” I said, honestly. Thankful Seth wasn’t around to hear that, because he would probably attack me.

Jacob nodded in agreement and cupped my face his hands. Rubbing his thumb against my cheek.

I shook my head in disbelief. Unsure of how this came to happen in my life. I’ve lost someone to imprinting, and yet I’m about to kiss the one person, who despite the comfort he gives me, is an imprinting male. An alpha male. Pretty much a Sam in his own right. It was so confusing.

I stepped back slowly; Jacob crossed his arms with a confused look on his face.

“You snore”

“What?” he asked, staring at me.

“You snore when you sleep, you think constantly about how the world revolves around you, you can’t take a joke about anything that has to do with the Cullen’s, you daydream to much about building cars, which by the way I don’t get - no offense.”

“None taken” he said with a smile, knowing where I was going with this.

“And when no one’s looking, you bite your nails, which is gross, you peek at me, even when I ask you not too, don’t say you don’t because I totally saw you do it and to top it all off you’re like what… 2 years younger then me? Over all I’d say that having the ability to imprint is probably your best quality Jacob Black” I said, taking a breather. Suddenly his smile got wider, as I wrapped my arms around his neck, I felt more comfortable doing that, than I have in years. His black hair felt like silk in my fingers, as I leaned in and smiled at him.

“Yet, with all that annoying stuff about you, I can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to do this…”

That’s when I kissed him.

Getting lost in ourselves, and what we were doing, I didn’t even prepare myself for the arrival of my brother. In fact, with Jacob’s lips on mine, I didn’t very much care whether or not Seth saw us or not. The kiss was filled with a passion so strong that I didn’t even realize that the sun had finally set upon us.

“Um Jake,” Seth said suddenly, making Jacob and I jump at the sound of his voice. My face blushed a deep scarlet red.

This is the end of Jacob and Leah isn’t it? This is what we kissed for, just so that he would go back to his imprinting self. I kissed Jacob and now he’s going to go back in that house and pretend it didn’t happen. Oh god.

Seth didn’t say anything but it was pretty clear how things were going to go. Werewolves were emotionally attached to their imprinted. It was how we made sure our kind survived. I don’t know how Jacob kissed me, when he imprinted on Nessie, but he did, and I should have known better. I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation again. I knew better. Jacob’s mind was making him only see Nessie. She was his light, while I was just the beta and I shouldn’t have crossed that line. I shouldn’t have even told Jacob what I thought, because it was against our kind. I was a traitor to the werewolves or shape-shifters, whatever the hell we were. If you imprinted on someone, you’re not allowed to be with someone else. And knowing this was killing me on the inside; ripping me up, because I was trying to change it. I was trying to change Jacob’s choice and in the end it would have only ended badly for both of us but mostly me. Because it’s a part of our nature. It’s our nature to find someone and be their protector. I’M A MORON!

My heart was racing so fast, that I had to get out of there. I had to get fresh air, I had to run.

“Leah wait--”

I was gone. Running, making my legs carry me as fast they could, because I couldn’t take this. I couldn‘t stand there with Jacob and Seth and ask Jake to choose me. It was impossible for us, because in the end the curse would win. It always has. Sam is the prime example out of that. He chose her. Not meaning too, but it still doesn’t stop the pain does it? In the end the wolves will be with who their instincts choose. To make children, no matter what kind of children they will have, that’s what imprinting is; to find their soul mates so they can breed the strongest children.

Jacob and Nessie were meant to be and I, Leah Clearwater was meant to sit and watch. Oh the pain.

I’m so stupid, I mess everything up. I’m meant to be alone in this world. I’m meant to see others like Jacob and Nessie, hell even Edward and Bella, find love and be together forever.

This is so depressing on my end isn’t it?

It doesn’t matter. I had no control over what happens to me, or the other’s around me.

Leah! Leah where are you!? I know your near I can sense you!

I didn’t realize I had phased. My emotions got the best of me I guess, because I was hiding, my eyes focusing on Jacob, whose nose was in the air, tracing for my scent. His eyes closed. My breathing became uneven.

I should run away from him. From everyone. I should make myself invisible to help others. It would make it easier for not only myself, but for him too. He wouldn’t have the constant memory of what happened with us in his thoughts and memories.

That’s it Leah Clearwater. Run. Run as fast as you can. Away from the problem.

Catching my scent, and hearing my footsteps, Jacob was following, having to run fast to catch me, he blocked my path, his body in a pouncing position, I tried to run around him but he just kept dodging my efforts.

It would be best to get out of my way Alpha, it will be best for both of us.

Says who? You? That’s your problem Leah, you always think you’re the boss, and that your allowed to make decisions that affect everyone.

His inter-voice was so sure of himself, his eyes raging with anger.

Move out of my way Jake.

No.

I leaped to his weaker side, but it did no good. His movements were quicker than I expected, because that got me shoved to the ground with his warm body keeping me nailed to the ground unable to move. I snarled in annoyance and kicked myself free.

You are not---you imprinted on another being Jacob. I tried to make it seem like it was a choice, but it’s not. It’s not your choice and even if it was--

I would choose you Leah, I want to choose you!

Well, that doesn’t really help me here does it Jacob? It doesn’t matter what you want. You see her, and she’s your future, its tradition! It’s what happened with Sam, he loved me. I know he did, I felt it and in the end it doesn’t matter. It’s nature!

The last sentence made me realize how true it was. How my past had set me up only get hurt again. How I was meant to be what I am for this. This was my punishment for what I did to my father. Oh god.

I sobbed. I was sobbing so hard that I was forced to break down in front of Jacob Black. My whines were getting louder and louder as I laid myself to the ground. Burying my face in my paws. Jacob just sat and witnessed. He witnessed everything and his only thoughts were of my emotions. How I was feelings and what his role in all of this. He brought this side of me out, he did this to me. No one was supposed to do this, no one was supposed to see me like this, and I hated him. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!

Feeling this angry, it was now impossible to phase to my human form. It was impossible because all I felt was hurt. My heart ached. The pain was not welcomed in my body. But there it stayed. I felt it in me as if it was invading my personal space. I hated not only Jacob but myself. Because I can’t stop it. I can’t stop what I am, and what Jacob does or Seth. I had no control over it. As much as I wanted to, Nature always won.

Stop it Leah. Do you hear me?! Stop it.

I growled at him with a glare, showing him my teeth, but he stayed strong.

You are a force of nature. You weren’t supposed to happen but you did, and now you’re saying you have no control? You’re a girl. A beautiful, stubborn as hell girl who defined all legends and I will not stand here and see you hate yourself because of it or me. Imprinting is nature. Nessie is who I see, but she isn’t what I feel. I feel you Leah. I always have.

He was now stepping closer to me, laying his body next to myself, and placing his head on my shoulder, resting it there as if he was about to be petted like a pet.

I closed my eyes and prayed for this not to change, but I had no faith in that.

I was going to lose this comfort. I always do.

We’ll work for it Leah, like everything else we’ll work for it.

And what if you choose her? What if in the end, when she’s old enough, you’ll choose to be everything she needs; you know it’s a possibility Jacob.

And you know that since you turned into a werewolf, that anything’s possible. It’s not your job to worry about things anymore. Your head’s filled with too much crap anyways.

Jeez, thanks Alpha.

No problem Beta, anytime.

I chucked, feeling Jacob’s heart beat against my back. He reached over and licked my tears away. Making me want this moment to never end. I want to be able to say that love or whatever it is with Jacob can fight anything. That without love, nature doesn’t exist, but I can’t. Maybe one day, when I’m old and gray, and I see Jacob fixing a new car in our drive way, or when Nessie turns the right age, maybe then our relationship will come to an end. Till that day comes, I’m just going to live in the moment.

Because moments like this - ones with Jacob Black’s arms around me - makes everything else worthwhile.

-------

It’s true! Multiple Gossip Girl insiders confirm to me exclusively that the CW phenom is currently shooting an episode for its upcoming third season in which Ed Westwick’s legendary lothario kisses another man.

So who’s the lucky guy? And what are the circumstances surrounding the same-sex smooch? Keep reading for all the spoilery details…

First things first: Sorry to disappoint, but no, it’s not Chace Crawford. Westwick’s “romantic” interest is up-and-comer Neal Bledsoe (CSI: NY, Guiding Light), who’s guest-starring in episode 6 as Josh Ellis, NYU’s head of freshman affairs. Since Josh is tasked with selecting an incoming student for the honor of delivering the freshman speech, he’s, shall we say, a person of interest to Blair. In fact, she’s so determined to snag the slot that she goes so far as to pimp out her boyfriend to the gay guy in charge.

The catch? All you need to know is there is one. Oh, and wait until you hear what Chuck says to Blair following the lip-lock. (Must. Resist. Temptation. To. Spoil.)

It was only a matter of time before GG played the maybe-gay card with Chuck, who swung both ways in Cecily von Ziegesar’s Gossip Girl books.

What do you think? Surprised? Titillated? Horrified? Choose your adjectives below!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I finally, after having a LJ of two years have a Header. a personalized Header. who are these sexy men? most of them you should know..but just in chance..

~Edward Cullen [Twilight♥ Oh yeah buddy]
~ Chuck Bass [Gossip Girl]
~Seely Booth [Bones--I love David♥]
~VICTORRRRRRRRRRR [Dollhouse--one day I WILL KNOW YOUR REAL NAME MISTER!!! lmao]
and last but not least...
~Damon Salvatore [Vampire Diaries♥♥--I LOVE IAN!! *coughs*]

Hey Guys,
I don't know if anyone reads this stuff, personally, I rarely do, only to people who really matter...[Feel loved Cass and Chrisma] anyways, so I wanted to write to you guys before I GO TO WORK [EEKKK]

YEP. you heard right, Tiff got herself a Job. Though I will tell you I have so serious issues with the whole "Sure, it's easy stuff" Because on more then one time did I think negative during the whole thing. I hate people. I realized that as a woman who wanted to spend more then 2 dollars in change, and I told her we can't because it's the rules..[HERE'S YOUR SIGN MUCH?] so the lady, being servely pissed, took her money, and I kid you not, GLARED at me and My new boss, all the way till she got to her car. Then when My Boss went out to fix the pump, the woman called her a Bitch.
Nice People. really, just makes me soooooo Happy to be coming back todaay.

what did I get myself into? Not only do I have to count change [which btw I SUCK AT] I have to deal with rude assholes? The girl looked like she was one of those beach babes, as if she was better then us because she had change.

wtf America? LOL

on the lighter note, My twin bro and my sister came to our house with a Preggo test and guess what.
it was Postive.
that's right, Tiff is gonna be a Aunt. AGAIN :D Jordan will get a Cousin. which is exciting but deeep down I worry because, well if you've seen Jordan react to my Mom, you would think he owned her. literally, if she left to go to work, he will look in every room, Crying and throwing stuff. it's rediculous in my opinion, but what can you do? I can't help it my mom's awesome. :P LOL

so, yep. My twin's gonna be a Daddy. whoa. it's kind of funny to picture Earl as a Dad, given that the boy makes a hobby out of my torture, but hey. I think he'll do fine. I'm just Hoping it's a Girl. because then I get to teach her about Vampires, and Gossip Girl, and although that will be old news by the time she's of age, I really don't care. she needs to know the ways of Twilight :D LOL

that way, when a New Book comes in and it's Vampires, she'll read it, and then I'll read it. haha I'm already using the kid ahaha AWESOME.
but on a serious note, I don't know if she'd want to read, but I'll try, since her parents aren't book people, maybe the Baby will inhert something from their good ol' Aunt Tiff :) 

here's hoping :)

before I get off of here, I have to state that September is my TV Month.

Dollhouse: September 18th, Friday @ 9:00
Vampire Diaries: September 10th, Thursday @ 8:00
Gossip Girl: September 14th. Monday, @ 9:00 [They switched OTH and GG times..]

------


anyways, wish me luck with dealing with moronic people. should be fun today.